Dealing With Critical People
 I have a house full of kids, two teenagers and lots of dialogue about life and human behavior. There have been more than a few discussions about why a large number of people (teens and adults) seem to be so determined to be negative, critical, mean-spirited or just plain unhappy.  Most of us have dealt with these types of people (or may even live with them).Â
There are many reasons for these types of negative behaviors and attitudes in others and most of it is out of our control. At some point with enough love, encouragement and learning these they will hopefully come to a place of self awareness and realize that….
1) Misery is both a choice and the result of certain choices… just like happiness is a choice as well as the result of certain choices. Â
2) While they may be the victim of abuse or a myriad of unfair difficult life circumstances…. some of which are occurring right now in their lives…they must still be the ones to change it.
One big challenge is that they may not know how to deal with such adversity having never seen a healthy example so they don’t know how to change things or even hope that things can change. Another challenge is that they lack any level of awareness of how they come across and how toxic their behavior and language really is.
The list of reasons and possible negative circumstances could go on and on. But the bottom line in all of it is this. Their negative attitude, outlook, behavior is not about you.  It’s about them. Their cynical and sarcastic humor, demeaning and rude comments and insults directed at you or others … reveals only their own unhappiness, insecurity, and the depths of their own misery. Even when they point out one of your very real flaws or weaknesses… it’s still not about you. We all have flaws and weakness but when is the last time you saw someone you really respected or admired point them out in someone else? NEVER.
REMEMBER = Happy, confident, highly successful people are not into making comparisons or being critical of others. They do not have the need to put anyone down or “in their place”.  When they come across someone who may be in the wrong place they know that putting them down is not the way to get them to a better place…so they instead lift them to that higher place with encouragement …(which I define as caring + coaching).
When people say negative things to you or about you or about others in your presence… remember they are really only revealing their own insecurities, immaturity and misery while they try to create, enlarge or magnify those same negative feelings in others.Â
So what do we do….. how do we respond? Well perhaps the best response it to walk away and not say anything (especially if you can’t think of anything nice to say). But I have found a line, a single sentence, that has always worked for me … a line that seems to shut them up and get them thinking,(at least long enough for me to walk away). A line that teaches a simple and undeniable truth and when they process it…it may not change the way they talk about me. But it has always changed the way they talk to me or in my presence.
When I hear, overhear or am the direct target of a mean-spirited, demeaning or otherwise negative and critical remark…. I reply with something like… “I’ve always been taught and come to believe that we see the world not as it is, but rather, as we ourselves are.” Then with a kind smile I walk away, leaving them to process what I have just said and perhaps considering what they are actually revealing about themselves.Â
I’m not saying everyone “get’s it” or even agrees with it. But that doesn’t change the truth of it… and truth however wildly unpopular, can be very difficult to argue against. What I am really suggesting here is that knowing truth, and teaching truth is the best way I have found to help myself and others towards a better place. Knowing truth can give you both comfort, confidence and courage. Teaching true principles to others is greatest way to give them those same great gifts.
Well this went on a lot longer than I intended… next week I promise short quotes and no commentary.Â
Kirk out
March 11th, 2010 at 11:53 am
My gentle and kind-hearted 10-year old son, Tommy, has recently become the target of bullying at school. I have had many conversations with him about how it is not about him it is about the bully’s lack of self-worth. I have taught him to walk away or to shout “Cut it out!” loud enough for the adult in charge to hear. Unfortunately, none of this has stopped the behavior.
While your quote is great for teens and adults, especially ones who have a strong sense of self-worth, I am curious if your advice would be the same for a child who is just learning who he is and takes all criticism to heart.
Keep up the commentary, long or short, it gives deeper meaning to the quotes and thoughts.
Thanks
March 11th, 2010 at 12:01 pm
This touches my heart – thank you! I work with a toxic person. This quote is going to be printed out and placed in a primary place: Their cynical and sarcastic humor, demeaning and rude comments and insults directed at you or others … reveals only their own unhappiness, insecurity, and the depths of their own misery.
I believe this quote will help me get through the day. Your emails always bring a smile. Thank you again for being the intelligent, giving and kind person that you are.
Kathy Storch
March 11th, 2010 at 12:09 pm
This was great, Kirk. Amazing how things really speak to us just when we really need to hear them! Short quotes are good sometimes….but sometimes so is dialogue to make it real.
Have a great day! Blessings to you.
Paula Wilkinson, PMP
Manager of Project Management, Local Government Division
Tyler Technologies, Inc.
March 11th, 2010 at 12:09 pm
FYI…I’m glad this went on longer than intended, sometimes you’re just on a roll! Great T4D today!
March 11th, 2010 at 12:58 pm
Kirk,
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
I cannot express my thanks at the messages you have shared on a daily basis. This morning I was readlly struggling with this very subject, and wondering how best to proceed with the struggles of every day life, when I got this gem in my inbox. The words in your thought today really resonated with me and I will apply them to my life and pass them on to my kids and hopefully they will resonate with them too.
Thanks again for your encouragement.
GH
March 11th, 2010 at 1:01 pm
It was exactly what I needed to read today.
Thank you.
Teresa
March 11th, 2010 at 1:09 pm
Kirk,
I enjoy your “Thought for the Day†every day. Today it was especially nice to see because it sort of affirmed some of the things I try to teach my daughter and (when they come to me) my staff. I found your comments about comparison interesting since just yesterday evening, I wrote the following to be posted on my FaceBook page a week from Friday:
“Comparing yourself to others at work or in life often leaves you dissatisfied. Compare yourself to the best possible version of you; then work to diminish the differences.â€
See, I keep a draft “Note†on FaceBook all the time with great inspirational sayings. I update it when I come across something I know I would like to post sometime. Monday through Thursday, I quote other people. On Friday I try to post one of my philosophies. In any event, would it be OK if I posted sometime in the near future the following?
“I’ve always been taught and come to believe that we see the world not as it is, but rather, as we ourselves are.†~Kirk Weisler
Annette Lavigne
Director of Technology
March 12th, 2010 at 12:38 pm
Thanks Kirk! I really appreciate this commentary. It can be quite challenging to deal with negative and critical people, and yet they are definitely all around. It’s particularly difficult when someone is a close colleague or patron. I’ll try employing your suggestions, which will hopefully change the degree of frustration I sometimes feel over critical people.
Thanks again!
March 16th, 2010 at 4:45 pm
I understand this entirely. I know a women who is just like this. She uses manipulative ways to drag people into her conversations and she gets off on putting others down to hide her insecurities, and her unhappiness. I cut it off before it escalated. I tried to be a friend a few times, but at this point I realize its her issues, not mine.
You need people in your life who will encourage you, and have your back, not negative criticism, and if they give you criticism, it should be positive feedback, and constuctive criticism. Let face it we are not going to please everyone, however we can respect people and do it in a tactful way.
September 6th, 2010 at 9:28 am
Thanks Kirk!