As Rebecca was teaching seminary this morning to 16 teenagers I heard her review a principle we have discussed often over the 18 years of our marriage.  We review it of necessity because it is so easy to have opinions and judgments about others without having all the facts. (Can we ever have all of the facts?).

The principle simply stated is this…  “We judge others based on their actions.  But we judge ourselves based on our intent.”  It has been my experience, when I have taken the time to ask, that behind most people’s actions most of time was a noble intent.  It may have been misguided, mis-informed, and by all outward appearances seemed actually cruel, rude or foolish.  But that is not what they thought or intended.

When we are encouraged to give someone the benefit of the doubt… I think we are being asked to consider the possibility of their good intent before we judge the poor result. 

This is perhaps why one of the very first principles Stephen Covey teaches in his wonderful 7 Habits book is “Seek First to Understand, then to be Understood.”  We will never clearly solve a poor result by harping on and obsessing about the poor result.  Only by understanding why, what, and how the contributers were thinking, which includes what they were intending, can we begin to understand where our own instructions and expectations may have played a critical role in the end result.

The wasted energy and frustration that occurs when don’t seek first to understand is immense and would be comical if it weren’t so tragic and damaging to relationships.  We’ve all seen people get so worked up about situations that we thought they might have a heart attack….only to later discover it was not as they had thought.   They almost never put the same amount of energy into apologizing for their temperment and wrong judgement as they did their blow up.   It is one of the reasons why I wrote the “Cookie Thief Book” based on a nearly 100 year old story that illustrates this principle in such a powerful way. 

So today.. and tomorrow….and forever more.  Seek first to understand others intent… it may or may not save your life…but it will almost certainly help to save the relationships in your life. 

While it was not my intent to write this to promote my book a few of you may feel a desire to do so.  So let me offer you this… If anyone chooses to buy any number of Cookie Thief books this week… I will see to it that your order is doubled.  You can order at http://www.morebetterbooks.com/ or to learn more about the book visit http://thecookiethiefbook.com/

Kirk Out

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